Auto-erotic asphyxiation and the rear naked choke

Oh, come on! Surely we’ve all wondered about this one. Don’t look at me like I’m some sort of monster. I’d imagine that (for safety reasons) auto-erotic asphyxiation is probably something you’d want to do on the buddy system anyway. So why not cut out the middleman (in this case, the rope) and get a ‘buddy’ who (a) has an open mind, (b) knows how to pull off a rear naked choke, (c) will release his/her (or some rough mixture… hey, I’m not here to judge) grip when you tap, (d) won’t complain about the mess and (e) can keep a secret.

Of course, the whole thing brings up a lot of other issues. How would one go about raising the issue to a potential ‘buddy’? If I ever find a girl willing to go on more than one consecutive date with me (Here’s a hot tip: If you win a game of pool against a girl with one hand in a cast, the classy thing to do is not gloat about it, do a victory dance or put it to her that you actually beat her because she is, in fact, a girl.), that’s a bridge I’ll cross when I come to it.

There’s enough retarded, immature humour out there about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu resembling sex as it is and I feel dirty for adding to the pile. I blame Michael Hutchince for making auto-erotic asphyxiation ‘cool’, George Carlin for doing a monologue about it and my instructor for teaching me the rear naked choke in the first place.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to purge my dirty, non-Jiu-Jitsu-related thoughts by doing knuckle push-ups until my knuckles bleed. With all the small, sharp, pointy things in my carpet, that shouldn’t take long. That’ll learn me.

Edited To Add: I’m glad I didn’t draw a cartoon for this one. If I did, it probably would have looked a lot like this…

…which wouldn’t have been very pleasant for anybody concerned.

Okay, it’s official. I’ve got far too much time on my hands. I’ll go and do those knuckle push-ups now.